#ShowingUp

Ugh I f#&ked up I just realized
I wanted to share because idk,
maybe @ some point in future it could help you
not f#&k up like I have.

This is about showing up. #showingup. ;)

I'm keeping names and links out of it because
although I have nothing but good to say about anyone in the story (except me)
and it's easy to figure out who I mean if you know me
(and if you're reading this: odds are u know me)
and all facts are public on social media and media-media,
STILL
I'm personalizing a narrative
and don't want to name other people by name
as I filter their major events
into my own tiny observations.

There is a yoga class in L.A. that I love.
The teacher is unique and inspiring.
I like and admire many yoga teachers and classes, but this class: the challenge, the camaraderie, the sense of a community built over time -- it's unique and a gift and I'm so glad I found it.

The teacher--this wonderful, inspiring teacher--has been out for a couple of months.
He suffered a personal tragedy and he's been out.
Also, he's been working on projects for this cool other life that he leads, non-yoga.
Point is: he's been out.

We're not "friends", meaning I do not know him outside the class. So qua his tragedy, I feel okay qua my response: I've tried to ping and like things that he is posting to social media about his loss and the work that he's doing, being part of a substrate of support from his broader community. Perhaps I could've done more, but I'm not at all sure I could've "done more" without overstepping or in-fact doing harm, so that's not (I don't think) where I f*#ked up here.

But: I haven't been going to his class.

Cuz he's been out! Right? And it's a long drive! I know (and like) the sub who's replaced him; she's part of the community/camaraderie thing, she's cool and funny and good at yoga (teaching, doing). But it's a long drive and it's nice to have the flexibility of not doing a long drive any given day, right? et cetera. All totally reasonable.

I f&*ked up, though. I think. Here is why.

I saw a picture as part of these social media streams: the people in class, just a nice shot that got posted in support of the regular (absent) teacher, thanking his sub, talking about keeping "the flame burning" or a similar straightforward metaphor for "maintaining the continuity of this community that he's built with this class."

Lemme be clear: I'm not even in this story, from anyone's perspective but my own. It's not as if anyone cares or should even notice my presence/absence/whatever.

But I, for me, have f*@ked up.

If I respect this teacher and this thing that he's built,
if I value many aspects of this thing that he's built; his instruction, for sure, as the central feature.
But also the community, the excellence of practice in the room, the other humans,
all of that,
and I want in any way to be part of it,
for me,
then I have to show up.
Especially now.

So it's there, what he built, when he's ready to come back to it; and so this thing that he's built--to the tiny extent that each person contributes to something like that--maintains its strength, even grows, for whenever he gets back. Because in fact it's not even "about him" -- in a good way, that I think he'd agree with:

Because this thing that he's built has great worth in itself.

That's the point.

It's still a long drive! It's not a given I can make it any given day.

But I should start #showingup when I can.

The fact that he is not teaching should not take it off of my radar. That's transactional thinking: just about me and my experience; in fact, it's thinking about "my experience" in a rather incomplete and narrowly defined way.

I'm mortified that it took me a month and the click of a social media post to learn that. I am so, so dumb sometimes.